The Brightest Star In My Night Sky

スパイスは 堪え難いくらいがいいわ SUPAISU waTaegatai kurai ga ii wa  Or I would say : semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat

So I have a torturous sweet days in order finalizing my car concept to race at PGD UI 2019

My initial motivation

 Actually, the concept of joining an engineering project has enticed me since I first attended this college. I found out about a year later except I am not accepted in my first try.

In my department, there are several conspiracies and issues floating around about this guy and that guy. This refusal of my enrollment is due to the reputation I got and all the talk around me such as how I am not able to work in a team. It is a very serious accusation I got.

Being part of chem-e car UI means ascertain you to get accomplishment during your college. 

Our chem-e car is well known as one of the best in South East Asia and even the world. I wish to have a free ride initially to boost up my CV cover. However, it seems life would not take it easy for me.

In my first try, I fail despite I work for several idea to present. While, the guy I gave idea for presentation is immediately getting offer and joined one of the most desirable team, Nayaka pressure.

In Chem-e car UI, there are 3 teams that will usually compete out there: Nayaka pressure, Rhino and Canopus electric. Nayaka is known as the best and has easier variable control as it has only rely to one reaction that will yield pressure to power the car. Most competition aims for accuracy to travel and other additional challenge. Having only one determining factor, Nayaka and other pressure chem-e car in the world has several advantages.

However, in the second enrollment, I am accepted but not in the team I will get a free ride to certain victory. I get admitted to the Canopus. It was not really bad except last year in which I was refused. The team was in whole chaos and the car concept is definitely zero. Usually, Canopus is not that bad, except being harder to control. As electrochemical car, it has two variables such as velocity and time. It has ever won before but it has passed two years since that time.

In this group, I know I will make this car again from zero.

Unexpected light in my life

Many people don't understand the difficulty I get in my life like struggling financially and emotionally to keep my family intact. Canopus is the second brightest star in night sky. But it turned out, it is bright enough to light up my life and get myself back to feet.

I don't like defeat. I am defeated recently in my academic life and also my life.

It was such a mental shot for me until Canopus ambition brings back my life again in line. The excitement to do innovation and actual challenge makes me forget about the gloomy gloomy day.

I am in sorrow and pain but I never take word 'serendipity' seriously until I join this team. The first one I feel about this team is... It's gonna be great. We all are optimistic, hard working, and we think about our car concept all the time.

Joining Canopus trial has made me make new friends and clear some bad issue about myself. I am actually able to defy that accusation on me and has several back ups. I want to bash the guys who're really mean to me but revenge on this subject serve no purpose.

In short, I can have hope again because of the business I got in Canopus and building car, team, and new friends are joyous moment in my life. My 'friend' is too far on scrutinizing my personality and I am always insecure around him. In Canopus, I swallow the pill and take up a chance to improve myself and make new connection with people.

Building car that should be 'electrical' without real advise from advisor is not easy. After we decided to make sure the car run on alumunium air battery, we didn't immediately got result. We change the battery compartment several times and it's electrical arrangement. Only two days before the competition, we just got it finalized design and cock-sure that car will run.

For almost 6 months, among all race and other things, our car stuck and suck.

The week before competition, we actually have envisioned its finalized version and putting it as content in our poster. We accentuate its uniqueness. After all, there is no car out there has this concept.

So momentarily, I also have finalized the kinetic of stopping. The model has been verified as very accurate without one factor that prevent us from winning at d-day. During the trial, we never experimented it with turbulence of car that is originated from the rotating bumper. I know we will have a bumper but before this, the bumper rotation is not very large that even able to make our car vibrates like bajaj. As an excuse, I speculate it as the result the kinetic stop faster than the model I build.

Despite that kind of problem, we're still amongst top finalist in PGD UI 2019. we still have time to improve for the competition at ITS.

From our scoring, we know that we won the car concept. Canopus VI is the best car concept at PGD UI 2019

The most beloved car we built upon nothingness and the mess from previous Canopus team.

This car is time and energy consuming. It is built upon impossibility too.

However like a star its name got from, it is also a gleaming light in my career. I can finally try to exercise the engineering sense and core competence to real problem.

I complain a lot to my team leader that the working hour of Canopus team is inhuman labour. I hope next time, we will reevaluate it. I know, in compare to Rhino and Nayaka, which doesn't many changes from last year, our team need to beat harder work to construct Canopus.

Yet, if you can make this more efficiently, why would you do such a torture?

Indeed I rarely win at first try.

I also never get a free ride in many situation I wish. In competition or in life.

I always need to work harder than most people to make up. It is why I believe 'there is nothing free in life, you need to exchange something'. My philosophy might not something everyone agrees with but that's how I have in my life.

I am still grateful that there is still hope and I can improve it.

After all, we're still best car concept right? An innovation is rarely cheap or efficient in the first try. That's how technology usually progress. And at the end, I will repeat that line from Aimer song 'I beg You':

semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat

A Seduction of Devil

I am thinking about the words which are said by yuval in his newest book 21 lesson from 21 century. People often ponder why a good person can be bad.

And people always easily put words such as fascist to many people and say religion is drug without knowing the most fundamental question:

Why fascism or extremism is very seductive in the first place?

This is why christianity depicts devil as morning star/ beautiful formerly angel.

Because being bad is seductive.

So indeed I am asking if many people I know are good but it doesn't mean they can turn bad, while maybe they don't know that they're turning bad. They believe that they're doing good or maybe they convince themselves that they're doing good or doing for something greater.

My friend Y is a fervent muslim and believe that the world is entering end of time.

Thus also many christians are believing the persecution of christians are rampant and we're entering the end of the time. But when the end of the time arrived, will any of them be surprised if they become the devil?

Actually after many persecution of minorities in Indonesia (and yeah minority of muslim all around the world) I can find myself proving that empathy is bias in a very illuminating way. None of each other are trying to understand the other condition or alleviate the misery of minority in their own country(of course except some so called redemption seeking white people with their self punishing mentality). Every side will always try to put themselves in victim condition , when other people are having misery, they don't believe it because wow after all they're the good one, and never been maybe thought of themselves that they're Eve and Adam, and they have fallen. We all have failed to convey love and empathy outside our group.

I have failed so many times, but maybe if I want to follow God I should have listened to his verily words.

He has conveyed boundless love and dont play victim along the way. Even under persecution, God will not shy away. Unfortunately, we are hard to accept this role of antagonist, we always want to put ourselves as the good guy. Even though people I know now are good guy, it doesn't mean they won't commit atrocities because they believe they're good, and that's the most dangerous thing

My Journey at ASEP 2018

ASEP 2018 was a tough journey, yet it was very impressive for me.

I have always been very keen in participating international event, especially environmental and technological issue. I jolted in happiness when I was accepted to represent my university and rushed to prepare everything. However, it was not as smooth as I expected.

My biggest issue is my own insecurity and personality. It  is an uncomfortable experience for me to meet new people and build relationship as I am both shy and introvert. Due to my clumsiness, I usually behave oddly and give erronous impression to people around me. I am happy, despite lack of chemistry with my Indonesian team, they’re very welcoming and supportive during this event. I am very new to international event and conference. Many of my fellow Indonesians are experts! They are very experienced and mature to attend ASEP 2018! I  felt much more blessed to know I am given such opportunity to learn together with them.

The first day in Malaysia, I took up the big opportunity to explore Kuala Lumpur, a city 40 km away from ASEP ‘settlement’ in Putrajaya. The first dinner was very fancy and delightful for me. I wish I could take away all of them!

FAKTANYA banner UI keliling dunia sementara gue belom

Best make up so far

The second day in Malaysia was the first mark of my ASEP journey. We’re given enough time to prepare and pack to head University of Malaya. I was caught by surprise when we took extreme turn to the Rimba Ilmu Malaya before attending the opening ceremony. I acknowledge it was my own fault of not paying enough attention to schedule. It was both funny and exhilarating to go there, while some of participants were wearing high heels! Lucky me! I wore my usual pair of shoes.

fancy dinner

I talked with my teammate for the first time there, Ayoung from South Korea. She wore pretty dress and seemed very eloquent in making friends and chit chatting. We took some pictures there. I remembered we were discussing about the bamboo trees that was apparently different from Korean’s bamboos. However, as Indonesian, these bamboos are common sight. So I learnt new things about Korean bamboos which are actually different species than Southeastern species

After that we headed to Putrajaya wetland and maybe my favorite spot. First reason is, this wetland and the whole water management system in Putrajaya was very sophisticated. They took a great deal of engineering and architecture to design it. The emphasize of sustainability was very visible in Putrajaya wetland. 

The tour guide was very helpful and I asked a lot about the fish in that place. I am accustomed to this ecology as I learnt a great deal from Synbio club in my university. Recently, Indonesia had problem with Arapaima fish and we discussed thoroughly on that issue. As Putrajaya wetland is an open water area, it seems they’re not lacking from predatory problem that threatened the natural detritivor there. In Indonesia, they also used same tactic to control this invasive predator. They delegated fishing activity. Yet, Indonesian’s rivers are interconnected and has very complex structure, so there is no clear cut area to control their distribution. I was very sad not being able to share my insight on e-DNA to my group as it was one of the proposed idea we got in Synbio club.

The second most interesting spot is their perennial plant in the wetland cell. It was said to act as water filtration system that increased the lake water quality. I think this is a very interesting concept for Jakarta too. As Jakarta has very bad water quality in the river and its bay, bioremediation might be a good available solution. I discussed this study too on my paper but incorporating genetical engineering technology. I designed a cosmopolit bacteria that is able to reduce mercury waste and die on its own after finishing the mission. I am very happy to find out, at least, In Malaysia they have tried the first alternative.

After some visits, we’re allowed to take photos around Putrajaya destination spot. It was top notch and beautiful. This city is fantastic, no traffic jam, excellent water management, and breathtaking view! I got maybe the best selfie ever in this place!

I love my eyebrows....

First night, we got lecture on palm oil sustainability. I am grateful that I got opportunity to ask Professor Nik Meriam about her comment on how can palm oil be more sustainable. I guess the mechanical process improvement was a great insight to look at. After all, I believe palm oil plantation is not sustainable enough. Even though they don’t contribute so much on global warming, we shouldn’t look on the perspective of humanity alone, we know that rainforest is not only unknown treasure box for us, but a whole home and ecosystem for the dwellers. There are lot of biodiversity there. Rainforest is technically their ‘home’.

The third day in Malaysia, the quest is getting more difficult. We’re given some stuffs yesterday in goodie bag. Yet I threw away the shoes protection. I didn’t mind though for the dirt on my shoes though. So the tree planting activity was very exhausting! I was very happy that Ayoung, Van, Chen, and I made great gardeners! We managed to overcome the difficulty and plant, maybe, 6 until 7 trees. 

We were very enthusiastic after listening that our trees would be home for native fireflies. They would spend rest of their lives in our artificial ecology. 

In Malaysia, there are so many palm oil plantation. You can even see that from above. Giving a breath of fresh air for natural habitat would help a lot. Earth is not only our home anyway.

After that, we continued the journey to Crystal hotel to have lunch and listen the lecture. AEON business strategy aims for sustainability. Maybe, my favorite thing is how AEON really taking up such issue and delegating many tree plantings around the world(or specifically Asia!). 

However, the AC was very cold. Van and I agreed that we could not stay focus there. So Van took initiative to request for controlling the room temperature. What we got was way more surprising, rather than increasing the room temperature, they handled us blanket to wrap up together! Many participants must have envied us greatly!

After the lecture, we went a long way to FRIM. The crown shyness at FRIM was very beautiful. The location was pretty hard to reach as we had to hike a difficult path. It was sad that Ka Anggi could not witness the beauty as she was sick. We must be very lucky because during ASEP, the rain was very friendly and never came down during the trip!

Departing from FRIM, we headed to Shah Alam. We were going to visit AEON mall there. As being told, AEON mall is very attentive to the customer so they took up regional customer palatibility and preference into their account. Shah Alam was filled by Malay Muslims so the ambeience was more modest. The greatest regret about this tour was... Not enough time! I didn’t have enough time to eat and buy souvenirs at the same time. I would love to spend more time there. ASEP 2018 had a very tight and busy schedule. 

Like usual, the next day, the challenge was raised. I was very sad that time goes fast. So I remembered that we were set up to see some rubber process something or such, but unfortunately I didn’t know what happened, we didn’t do that. 

The peak of this day was the visit to Mah Meri cultural village. It was such a great experience as the style of trip was enjoyable. We’re not only being lectured but we could get involved. So after we arrived and wore a certain crown, we tried to make origami or anyaman in Indonesian. I am very poor at handicraft so it was so slow for me to digest the pattern to make keris, which looked like a piece of cake for Mah Meri villagers. My friends were also more talented as they quickly proceeded to another workshop.

The second workshop was sculpture. Of course, we’re not making stuffs alone but we were very satisfied back then. The museum was filled by many incredible handicrafts. They were aestethically gorgeous and listed by UNESCO as precious heritage. 

The most momentous event must be the wedding ceremony! It was very fun and unique. Ben the groom was such a funny man! The event became more cheerful when Mr Son from Vietnam showed his talent in dancing and being funny! As we joined the dance, it was very exciting time. Like usual, we must proceed and skip to another event.

The beach cleaning made me functionally useless. The beach location was very remote and it took 30 minutes or more to reach. The beach was arid and there were many washed away trash. Kakrona, my friend from Cambodia, was very high spirited in cleaning the whole shore. She even dug the trash from dead tree trunks. It was pretty short and we headed back again to bus. I was very nauseous as my visual snow syndrom attacked at the beach. It was very unpleasant moment for me.

After that, we returned to hotel. We have expected that night would be a long night. 

So we had a more urgent condition. The brainstorming during this session was more intense than before. However, I would say that this time was the most critical time for my own self development. I am told that usually I am too dominant and forceful on my idea. I could not fathom much of people’s feeling. So, as I have made priority, I would not try to aim as best group and such by over managing the detail during ASEP program. I tried to respect and value each idea of my team, despite my own opinion about it. I tried to convince people to improve their idea without being so aggressive. I was very exhausted and my body was not designed to overworking activity. Moreover, dealing social problem was not skill I could be proud of. So I was very displeased with the portion distribution. It might be the less I cared at that time as we haven’t found one ‘innovative’ solution to preserve rainforest.

I cared more on technological aspect yet the winning voice in my team was law and policy. I didn’t know where they belong as law and policy might be the last sanctuary I would prefer in my country. The implementation of law was flawed and very feeble in my country yet I need to find something in which I could feel happy and my friends are satisfied too.

As I was assigned to do the job on innovation, I think I worked it out very well. As spoiler alert! Group C didn’t get to be the best group, I felt satisfied enough as I managed to overcome my selfish desire and able to work in weirdly semifunctional group of ‘just-get-known-one-another’ team. I believe this was the first step for my self development and how I should tackle difficulty in group work. My idea was well received by my team and Ye Mahn aka David was very excited to refine, give input, and disseminate the idea to my other teammates, who were working on the background slides.

So we overworked indeed. I was very tired and unable to continue furthermore so I excused myself and went to my room. I told my friend to call me if there was anything urgent. Yet it seemed they worked well.

The next day might be the saddest time as we ought to bid farewell. So, the Sunday was more relaxed. We could take a bit sleep and went to UM after that. The presentation was mediocre yet I knew we did very well. The presentation was not as creative as anyone else, and our team didn’t put much spotlight on the solution. However, I assure, I was completely satisfied with my team and the result. We’re happy for the deserving team to win the best group.

tear jerking moment

The closing ceremony was EXTREMELY fun. It made us harder to leave and say goodbye to each other. My friends were even crying. We promised to keep in touch as my inner insecurity self told me: be careful how you loosely maintain your relationship. But, what I need to keep in mind is... I should put effort to our newly built relationship.

The performance form every country was exceptional. I was very nervous as my country might seem to be a wreckage. I performed a rather ‘out of my comfort zone’ show. I tried to pretend as a confident woman walking down the catwalk! Can’t you believe that?

The time flies. I returned to my home country. I brought all the feeling, knowledge, and especially, new friends along. I am very contented with this event. However, I wish ASEP should be longer so we could interact more and discussed more deeply.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

valuable things from ASEP 2018:

•    I learnt that connecting with nature could increase our sensibility as part of ecology. I recalled that after the tiresome planting activity, some of my friends felt invested toward the trees they’ve just planted and mentioned how it would hurt them if someone cut the trees again. They realized that ‘building home’ was not easy task. Fireflies and all other living being are also part of our family in this earth. However, we usually feel indifferent toward them and act selfishly because we didn’t know them and didn’t interact with them. The more we share time with nature, a mutual feeling that we shared amongst living beings seeped into our conciousness. It will call for higher awareness on environmental issue
•  I got new fantastic friends and learnt a lot from them. We’re so different yet Similar. I feel like being part of Asian brotherhood now!
•    I learnt how to connect to people, to respect their idea, to build a good team, and work together. I feel refreshed to know that I did a good job in managing my group, even though we didn’t know one another initially and we’re from different country and culture.
• I was able to contribute! I believe that how small changes I made will move the mountain one day. When I planted trees with my friend, we were making connection there, a mutual experience and investation, manifested in sweaty gardening activity. We will come back again and see the fireflies one day!
• I learnt to appreciate everything that I had, something that I hardly noticed. Many stuffs that were originally come from nature and will return to it. My comfortable lifestyle is possible because of many sacrifice and exploitation. So, I learnt to treasure it, take care of it, and especially trying to repay it back.

Some things are memorable, including the ASEP and AEON team. You all rock! I will also not forget the hilarious photographer who asked us to say ‘ASEP’ instead of cheese. Here, we got you a meme already!

I tend to see ASEP 2018 as positive experience for me, not the whole packet of expectation yet will be memorable and useful for my future steps. 

My Split Persona

Hello people, I seem like an out of reach after hitting 15 years old!

By the way, last year I finished a book from Simone Beauvoir, one of early modern feminist thinker. I found many of her writing is very relatable but in this post let me discuss a clip of her work:

She will often be afraid of missing her destiny as a

woman if she gives herself over entirely to any undertaking. She does

not admit this feeling to herself: but it is there, it distorts all her best

efforts, it sets up limits. In any case, the woman who works wants to

reconcile her success with purely feminine successes; that not only

requires devoting considerable time to her appearance and beauty but

also, what is more serious, implies that her vital interests are divided.

Outside of his regular studies, the male student amuses himself by

freely exercising his mind, and from there emerge his best

discoveries; the woman’s daydreams are oriented in a different

direction: she will think of her physical appearance, of man, of love,

she will give the bare minimum to her studies to her career, whereas

in these areas nothing is as necessary as the superfluous. It is not a

question of mental weakness, of a lack of concentration, but of a split

in her interests that do not coincide well. A vicious circle is knotted

here: people are often surprised to see how easily a woman gives up

music, studies, or a job as soon as she has found a husband; this is

because she had committed too little of herself to her projects to derive

benefit from their accomplishment. Everything converges to hold back

her personal ambition while enormous social pressure encourages her

to find a social position and justification in marriage

Last year, I unlocked an achievement to realize my passion in environmental activity. I joined an event that focused of preserving rainforest and working for sustainable palm oil production.

However, at that time I realized that I got 20's girl syndrome.
It is a clip from my own diary:

It has gotten into me! 20's syndrome that is seeking for identity and for girl, getting skincare routine!!!

Now i am obsessed like miranda kerr and her 7 product routine everyfucking night like what the hell?

Okay i am so freaked out with everyone routine and how to maintain skin beauty, and i was like left by the bus

The discussion of feminism is actually very big issue at working woman in Indonesia. In fact, there are many women who have no hesitation to postpone their marriage to advance their career.
As you know, aside from my interest in environment and fashion, I am also an engineering student. My senior shared her experience in working a difficult condition at certain chemical industry plan. One of the problem is her sex. She is a woman and many people on the site commented about how rare to find women there and somehow joked about it. She also commented about the ethic at that plan which required her to overwork and collapse all the way.

Aside from social expectation that she encountered, it is not a rare phenomenon that there is a battle inside, which is described perfectly by Simone.

It is something that I compelled to write. I feel that way.

When I went to Malaysia, most girls are wearing make up and even shy away from a photoshoot when they are not wearing it.
Even though how much career and social activity I want to attend, my mind cannot reconcile to the fact that I should still be looking good while doing it. In fact one of friend, a talented student of my batch, described her engineering aspiration of female engineer as 'Doing difficult stuff while looking beautiful in it'.

It is a sad journey that somehow my intellectual capacity is not really putting effort to develop real impact on technology, but I cannot help that my mind is wandering in the simple things girl are thinking. I never feel it is wrong to begin with and I like being a woman. Yet, I wonder if this mind that geared on other priority during her college is because the very much reason Simone said in her book.

I work like this : if I don't have time, or the labour I will do is outdoor, I will not put make up on. However if there is sufficient time and I will not sweat, I put make up.

The problem about 'woman mind and priority' is still a struggle in Indonesia. Here the newer 'kedok' or scheme that woman use excessively to justify their education:
Woman education,for who?

Woman will answer that they will converge their feminine role and their education eventually. Woman should study because they will be the first teacher for their children and will be able to support their husband better, the writer gave a great punchback : woman education is like a computer that need update! How ironic!

I study for myself as selfish as I am like any other man on planet!

However I am very optimistic. In Indonesia, the democracy is giving a good shot for woman to actually have opinion about their education anad even take risk to ignore the definitive feminity which is holding back their career and skill.
This year I will try to advance my own activity to once again 'attempt' to apply for an international discussion. I got a good opportunity to work with a good team and developing a power storage prototype. Somehow these many chances that I got triggered me to do a whole blown promotion of my university, lol. I am very honored to be part of it.

Even though up to now, I still don't have decision about what to do with the feminine role I am expected to assume, I don't want to vilify it. In fact, I really want to be a good parent one day.
However for now, as I don't have partner , s I am lucky to get many chance to develop my skill and be engineer not female engineer.

Because I know I am capable because of my intellect not my sex.