Vulnerability as Main Taste of Christian doctrine

This is the post which make me hate many regulations in Indonesia that does not allow me to speak in way I believe! It is easily exploited and do a micromanagement of each people faith and thoughts. 

I wish Indonesia would delete all the restricting free speech regulation and allow people to promote their own faith as far as not coercing the lifestyle with violence and threat. 

In comparative story of Solomon, genesis and other book, I found that different Abrahamic religion taught a slight different flavor of what it is, making them different religion on their own.

Even though, we all believe in divine revelation, there's several thing in a way I found it interesting. Christian as a main doctrine in the West has not been cherished so much it is used to. Even though, the Christian way of life is becoming more universal in western philosophy.

From my point of view, I feel pre-Christian* basic is more about promise - a longing wish. Even though Christian is notorious in waiting of the return of Christ, in fact I always feel this savior thing is more close to pre-Christian. After all in Christian theology, we already know the savior.

On the other, post-Christian* way is a complete and perfect way, which means also micromanagement to a deeper level. Because the premise is perfection, I am somehow baffled how post-Christian story weave story of Solomon, David and other king/prophet into a really divine, infallible sacred people. It feels wrong to criticize prophets and it is taken as a grand of perfection. Even the last prophet is deemed as the most perfect man.

The perfectionist approach of post-Christian is really promising and also unrealistic

Because whatever they say as perfect, it is never actually under scope. What is definition of perfect in that way? Infallible? Most of the time, it is the interpretation, perfection is infallible.

Even though there are actions which we say is amoral and a sin, it is still seen as perfection.

And the saddest thing is we're living in an imperfect, fallible world.

The Christian way is very weird and many atheist will say stupidly magical. The God which is mocked as unnecessary person in history that died in humiliated way. It is a common despise for many people to mock Christian God.

However, it is something that makes it unique. It embraces imperfection

I am so surprised that there are many Christians, who are still thinking people who act as 'main character' in each book as an example. After finishing old and new testament, I never feel that it is the purpose from the first place. Every story in old testament is more like every failure of man and the broken relationship of God and human. The imperfection, sin, dispute of man what makes it felt like made out of fabric of this world.

If we were scrolling through answer about what is the most disgusting thing in bible, there will be many people list story of Lot and her daughters, Leviticus law, etc. It is funny to think that actually many people both Christian and not Christian, would consider that it should be done just because it is written in 'Holy Book'. Catholic rigid academic approach is more appropriate to lay base why the story is included in the first place.

In fact the main theme of old testament even get stronger in new testament, it is about vulnerability. Even God as Son of Man is vulnerable. The one people can mock up to this point.

Vulnerable is seen as weakness. I always think amongst Abrahamic religion, Christian way is the weakest and stupidest. We man, always aspire to be God, to be perfect. Then, why a holy book put so much story of failure of men? How can a man so weak weave a history and setting moral foundation?

I asked it to Jesslyn once. I got the typical answer of Christian girl. I know it but I never 'memaklumi itu'

But the more I grow into a person, I began to recognize myself. I am always striving for perfection and even try not to show my tears. I hid my background, I hid my house, I never invite someone there, because I am actually very afraid of judgement and being vulnerable in front of anyone. While, my deepest heart yearn for someone I can trust even in my most vulnerable term.

After all, a man is weak, mortal, and vulnerable. There is no perfect man but we hate our weakness, mortality, and vulnerability as a man. In the story of other gods, we always strive to overcome it and become what we are not, a God. It is the story of Adam and Eve. If we want to march forward and really transcend ourselves, do we need to be perfect?

Maybe we need to be but to be perfect, whatever we mean it is, we should never avoid our weakness and pretend we're not vulnerable. By absolving the fact we're just flesh and can be killed, can be seduced, can be angered, can be humiliated, I think it is the biggest strength of all. To swallow our ego and be ourselves, a human.

*Pre Christian and Post Christian is used not to make this blog a bait for bigot.

ON OLD AND NEW TESTAMENT

i'm thinking about several verse especially the chronicle of old testament which in every sins you do, mostly your fate is to die. Almost there is no equal lamb to repent, even doing the slightest mistake would cost your life.

Here there are several passages that are still used from old testament by Christians thousands years later and they granted the same punishment to the sin such as adultery, witchcraft and homosexual.

For my understanding, it is still regarded by church as sin, and Jesus never spoke against it. However there are several ways to dispute is such as the things God have spoken to is sent down to Israel alone, and second, the rules He established was meant only to preserve relation between Him and Israel. The whole misunderstanding came when Israeli upheld the rules much more than listening to God or preserving and respecting their relationship.

It is often depicted as relationship between bride and when we come accross to an agreement, the thing is the whole agreement was worked for the sustainability of the relationship, not otherwise.

Repeatedly the God has sent down prophets to tell them that He didnt need any of lambs, the things He set up was meant to ensure their good relationship and the Israeli close to him.

The problem is always people being fanatic toward the ceremony and forget the essence behind it.

The condition which Jesus came down is not to annul anything which is seen as depravity in God's eye, however he changed the attitude of man toward the punishment of the sin, He empahsized truly that God doesnt want it and tired of people dying of sins, He wants people to repent from it and it can be done if the humans around them didnt gang up and beat them to death

So repeatedly Jesus said:

To forgive sins seventy time seven or dont fucking count at all

It means to give people second chance that they might correct their wrong doing

And not to throw a stone at sinner because everyone is.

I think it is self explanatory that the God's plan to save human means that God gave the second chance or third or more... In there we should do the same even we regarded it as sin

The Brightest Star In My Night Sky

スパイスは 堪え難いくらいがいいわ SUPAISU waTaegatai kurai ga ii wa  Or I would say : semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat

So I have a torturous sweet days in order finalizing my car concept to race at PGD UI 2019

My initial motivation

 Actually, the concept of joining an engineering project has enticed me since I first attended this college. I found out about a year later except I am not accepted in my first try.

In my department, there are several conspiracies and issues floating around about this guy and that guy. This refusal of my enrollment is due to the reputation I got and all the talk around me such as how I am not able to work in a team. It is a very serious accusation I got.

Being part of chem-e car UI means ascertain you to get accomplishment during your college. 

Our chem-e car is well known as one of the best in South East Asia and even the world. I wish to have a free ride initially to boost up my CV cover. However, it seems life would not take it easy for me.

In my first try, I fail despite I work for several idea to present. While, the guy I gave idea for presentation is immediately getting offer and joined one of the most desirable team, Nayaka pressure.

In Chem-e car UI, there are 3 teams that will usually compete out there: Nayaka pressure, Rhino and Canopus electric. Nayaka is known as the best and has easier variable control as it has only rely to one reaction that will yield pressure to power the car. Most competition aims for accuracy to travel and other additional challenge. Having only one determining factor, Nayaka and other pressure chem-e car in the world has several advantages.

However, in the second enrollment, I am accepted but not in the team I will get a free ride to certain victory. I get admitted to the Canopus. It was not really bad except last year in which I was refused. The team was in whole chaos and the car concept is definitely zero. Usually, Canopus is not that bad, except being harder to control. As electrochemical car, it has two variables such as velocity and time. It has ever won before but it has passed two years since that time.

In this group, I know I will make this car again from zero.

Unexpected light in my life

Many people don't understand the difficulty I get in my life like struggling financially and emotionally to keep my family intact. Canopus is the second brightest star in night sky. But it turned out, it is bright enough to light up my life and get myself back to feet.

I don't like defeat. I am defeated recently in my academic life and also my life.

It was such a mental shot for me until Canopus ambition brings back my life again in line. The excitement to do innovation and actual challenge makes me forget about the gloomy gloomy day.

I am in sorrow and pain but I never take word 'serendipity' seriously until I join this team. The first one I feel about this team is... It's gonna be great. We all are optimistic, hard working, and we think about our car concept all the time.

Joining Canopus trial has made me make new friends and clear some bad issue about myself. I am actually able to defy that accusation on me and has several back ups. I want to bash the guys who're really mean to me but revenge on this subject serve no purpose.

In short, I can have hope again because of the business I got in Canopus and building car, team, and new friends are joyous moment in my life. My 'friend' is too far on scrutinizing my personality and I am always insecure around him. In Canopus, I swallow the pill and take up a chance to improve myself and make new connection with people.

Building car that should be 'electrical' without real advise from advisor is not easy. After we decided to make sure the car run on alumunium air battery, we didn't immediately got result. We change the battery compartment several times and it's electrical arrangement. Only two days before the competition, we just got it finalized design and cock-sure that car will run.

For almost 6 months, among all race and other things, our car stuck and suck.

The week before competition, we actually have envisioned its finalized version and putting it as content in our poster. We accentuate its uniqueness. After all, there is no car out there has this concept.

So momentarily, I also have finalized the kinetic of stopping. The model has been verified as very accurate without one factor that prevent us from winning at d-day. During the trial, we never experimented it with turbulence of car that is originated from the rotating bumper. I know we will have a bumper but before this, the bumper rotation is not very large that even able to make our car vibrates like bajaj. As an excuse, I speculate it as the result the kinetic stop faster than the model I build.

Despite that kind of problem, we're still amongst top finalist in PGD UI 2019. we still have time to improve for the competition at ITS.

From our scoring, we know that we won the car concept. Canopus VI is the best car concept at PGD UI 2019

The most beloved car we built upon nothingness and the mess from previous Canopus team.

This car is time and energy consuming. It is built upon impossibility too.

However like a star its name got from, it is also a gleaming light in my career. I can finally try to exercise the engineering sense and core competence to real problem.

I complain a lot to my team leader that the working hour of Canopus team is inhuman labour. I hope next time, we will reevaluate it. I know, in compare to Rhino and Nayaka, which doesn't many changes from last year, our team need to beat harder work to construct Canopus.

Yet, if you can make this more efficiently, why would you do such a torture?

Indeed I rarely win at first try.

I also never get a free ride in many situation I wish. In competition or in life.

I always need to work harder than most people to make up. It is why I believe 'there is nothing free in life, you need to exchange something'. My philosophy might not something everyone agrees with but that's how I have in my life.

I am still grateful that there is still hope and I can improve it.

After all, we're still best car concept right? An innovation is rarely cheap or efficient in the first try. That's how technology usually progress. And at the end, I will repeat that line from Aimer song 'I beg You':

semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat

A Seduction of Devil

I am thinking about the words which are said by yuval in his newest book 21 lesson from 21 century. People often ponder why a good person can be bad.

And people always easily put words such as fascist to many people and say religion is drug without knowing the most fundamental question:

Why fascism or extremism is very seductive in the first place?

This is why christianity depicts devil as morning star/ beautiful formerly angel.

Because being bad is seductive.

So indeed I am asking if many people I know are good but it doesn't mean they can turn bad, while maybe they don't know that they're turning bad. They believe that they're doing good or maybe they convince themselves that they're doing good or doing for something greater.

My friend Y is a fervent muslim and believe that the world is entering end of time.

Thus also many christians are believing the persecution of christians are rampant and we're entering the end of the time. But when the end of the time arrived, will any of them be surprised if they become the devil?

Actually after many persecution of minorities in Indonesia (and yeah minority of muslim all around the world) I can find myself proving that empathy is bias in a very illuminating way. None of each other are trying to understand the other condition or alleviate the misery of minority in their own country(of course except some so called redemption seeking white people with their self punishing mentality). Every side will always try to put themselves in victim condition , when other people are having misery, they don't believe it because wow after all they're the good one, and never been maybe thought of themselves that they're Eve and Adam, and they have fallen. We all have failed to convey love and empathy outside our group.

I have failed so many times, but maybe if I want to follow God I should have listened to his verily words.

He has conveyed boundless love and dont play victim along the way. Even under persecution, God will not shy away. Unfortunately, we are hard to accept this role of antagonist, we always want to put ourselves as the good guy. Even though people I know now are good guy, it doesn't mean they won't commit atrocities because they believe they're good, and that's the most dangerous thing