Tuesday, June 11, 2019
Monday, June 10, 2019
The rush of what is next has been torturing me.
I am in the phase of life, in which, you're surrounded by the stream of what's next. Somehow, this feeling makes me wonder if I am an accomplished person or not.
But indeed, accomplish is laughable concept. Every time you get into next level by accomplishing things, you find the same cycle that you must do in order to catch up. Wondrous, if you realized this and somehow think : I know I will never be satisfied.
Somehow, you're grateful because when you reached the what's next, it means you have accomplished steps before or otherwise you know, you have been successful. But that's life, you don't stop there.
Eyes is not enough by seeing, people are not enough by eating. It will goes full cycle back.
The problem is like this, the moment you accomplished tremendous achievement, you feel a very wonderful joy. Then, the memory of the joy is stored in your memory. However, how much it is there, you cannot resuscitate it to feel the same joy by thinking past accomplishment. You need to move forward and move another mountain then you can feel another joy.
But the rush, is like a flowing water. It will continue.
I realize it is actually a coping mechanism, somethings that is born from evolution to drive you. A driving force to keep u alive and be the best species on earth.
However, this feeling is overwhelming too. Somehow the expectation goes up when you entered a new zone. You found people have more experience, have more accomplishments, have more 'joy'. And wonder ! Why do u only have one thing to cherish?
College life in Universitas Indonesia is really helping me. I am born with no connection and money. Yet, my family has great driving force. The fact that I am born as loser make me hates losing. The fact that I am surrounded by losers makes me hate losers.
I am someone who will never be satisfied. I know that. If you put a bar, I have exceeded everything. But to no one surprise, this girl find another higher bar.
Indeed she should move up right?
She introspect a lot of herself. It makes her wonder too.
Why would she is running against lucky rocket? But here, she knows that she will, but maybe she find something else. Some meaning of this running contest.
At least, this will make her alive. She will keep upgrading. Maybe, she will be the best one day.
However here, I dont want to be the best with the parameter other's make. That is her parameter that keeps her balance, being happy of what she has accomplished and what to accomplish, and being motivated to find more, experience more by what other have laid base.
Saturday, June 8, 2019
I feel never in my life a realization how unlikable i am. I remind a day when i ask in quora what is the point of being kind, but i am that ignorant and selfish because I never understand empathy and why should someone be kind.
What is the point?
In my life, i am surrounded by people who taught that there is no genuity and there should always be a payback. However there are a lot of people who never pay back. I remember om Teguan, one of some homeless desperate dude. I dunno what in my grandma my was that he treated him kindly and like usual, just some critics then that guy never really got friendly with my grandma, despite all kindness, food and other stuff he received from my grandma.
And from that day i also know that i really should not expect anything from being kind. My grandma should have not expected any payback of her voluntary action
Even i know she really doesnt mind but i really wonder if there were anyone out there who can have genuine feeling and will not be offended of how people payback such a kindness with a slap.
With my upbringing, I really never understand why should someone be so kind and sacrifice for other. You're all not Jesus!
It is really weird thing but maybe their kindness is actually something that will pay somehow. For example, it is me who can now only pray and such , i cannot payback something equally worthy of the kindness i receive from ka putra, bili and felix. If there is such media in which i can convey how i am happy and being helped because of them, i want to express my most genuine gratitude. Because i see and i experience life, but not so much people who are willingly to do kindness to such extend for someone who is rude, disturbing and maybe just an acquaintance to them.
I also thanks God to help me grow to this point. I am still dis lil bitch like usual and not really turn 180 into charming princess. I am just myself but I just think, it is unfair if I can give back to them but for the very least, I never really show how their kindness is not wasted on me.
Maybe i am not someone who deserve such kindness in the first place. But because they still give it to me anyway, thank you so much
Friday, March 29, 2019
There are many chances but no other like being with Canopus.
Last week , I was very down because the preparation for ICECC in Surabaya resulted in mess of our team. I got too conflicted to concord with my team leader's job schedule and his one sided decision, that deprives our physical and mental health.
I am a firm believer of not doing unnecessary [mostly] useless effort approaching the battle days, whatever type of battle. Indeed, so I recommended him to take a break and try to go with clear mind.
However it seems, he was not satisfy with bad stopping result recently, which actually mapped back to many brute decision, such as overworking, intimidating other team member every time we got weird stuffs, and other selfish action, which other team members hate.
I am a fighter so I fought for my freedom in choosing to come or not, establishing balance with my schedule for ONMIPA, mental health, and eye health. If there were never been this conflict before, I believed he would never realize his fault in leadership. The bullshit words of : USAHA TIDAK AKAN MENGKHIANATI HASIL is the dumbest claim ever. Indeed, we need to work hard but not that hard to point of exhaustive, stressing and impending creativity. To be noted here, no one guarantee your success eventhough you work so fukin hard. The last trial before we went to Surabaya was the most hateful moments I have.
Because I want to be professional, I try not to bring up the conflict upon the departure. We talked and familiarized like usual, and just took a relaxing enjoyable ride on train, despite we were bringing the hugest bagagge we could carry.
The tightness was loosening during trip to Surabaya. I know that I need not to be distracted in the real battle. I must put aside ego and personal feeling. The fact that I don't expect anything good from my trip and just thinking of rushing back to university life turned out to make me find serendipity in Surabaya.
I actually love the trip, love the moments, love the competition.
I don't have bar to measure and things turn out to lay steadily like a carpet rolled below me.
The first day was spent to return energy and do lawyer like activity in technical meeting. It is always boggling that ITS make the most ambiguous, unclear rules and rundown in such big event like ICECC.
The most surprising fact that we heard that time might be that we can use conventional battery to power arduino. The follow up of our vague plan was to create a battery powerful enough to power arduino, motor and bumper... So this news hit my electrical consultant like : I cancelled my decision not to run again this job, I will do it again then.
During PGD era, he was very stressed in picking up strategy to minimize power consumption of arduino, so our 7V,2A battery could run smoothly with minimal load. Now? It means one of his biggest worry can be thrown away out the window.
The first day, we decided to seek refuge in MCDonald as we were not allowed to run trial or play chemical in hotel. It is reasonable I know, but SHUFFLING team in random room was terrible idea. It makes our discussion become difficult and make a strange switching places amongst participants.
One of other participants are even more desperate that they do trial in front of a minimarket across our hotel like a homeless person. I really don't know who the f**k get the idea like : WOW Let's do trial in such ideal place where everyone can watch including unknowing passerby!
You get the idea.
The next day, presentation format is being showed as booth where everyone can ask everyone and everyone can be everywhere doing research. The judges will just passed you and asked questions. If they're interested so much, they will just talk very long and another unpublished rundown from ITS that you can only talk to judges in designated time, making it less flexible to explore and present how brilliant our idea was.
However, it was kind of success happy day. During Friday prayer, the girls even talked and discussed many stuffs we go through and how we have understood one another pretty well. In conclusion, I feel pretty nice being there than being in university. It was so dreamy and I wonder that I am able to accomplish so many activities in a day.
During the night, we gathered around and discussed strategy. To be honest, it was much more prepared and precise than PGD era, despite still lacking back up plan when we faced condition like the surprising race day. I bought chattime finally! After being fed really unsavoury food at ITS.
|love my black eyebrowsss|
The problem started when we realized that we cannot get the rundown of team who performed first or last at once. It is being drawn successively. However, it turned out to be great idea that makes us more awoke in the first race.
However, in second race we're too lenient. Actually I hate it, the fact that people watch other people performance in the middle of preparation. Because FUK IT, there is nothing you can do about other team's performance at that time. They will succeed and you cannot prevent it, they will fail and everything there is out of your control. The important thing is to focus on stuff you can manipulate. Stuff that is under your control.
And that's another opportunity slipped from Canopus due to its inaction. Yet we're still getting pretty nice result. From report we received, we found out that, we're not only winning 2nd best presentation but also
-6th position overall
-2nd best safety
-2nd best car concept
That was definitely something that is a must or maybe I would say deserved by Canopus. I want to argue that we deserved better tbh because our battery was undergoing crazy changes until hitting that high efficiency. It was very fun nevertheless. I wish I can bring Canopus team to more victories and even AICHE
Saturday, March 9, 2019
i'm thinking about several verse especially the chronicle of old testament which in every sins you do, mostly your fate is to die. Almost there is no equal lamb to repent, even doing the slightest mistake would cost your life.
Here there are several passages that are still used from old testament by Christians thousands years later and they granted the same punishment to the sin such as adultery, witchcraft and homosexual.
For my understanding, it is still regarded by church as sin, and Jesus never spoke against it. However there are several ways to dispute is such as the things God have spoken to is sent down to Israel alone, and second, the rules He established was meant only to preserve relation between Him and Israel. The whole misunderstanding came when Israeli upheld the rules much more than listening to God or preserving and respecting their relationship.
It is often depicted as relationship between bride and when we come accross to an agreement, the thing is the whole agreement was worked for the sustainability of the relationship, not otherwise.
Repeatedly the God has sent down prophets to tell them that He didnt need any of lambs, the things He set up was meant to ensure their good relationship and the Israeli close to him.
The problem is always people being fanatic toward the ceremony and forget the essence behind it.
The condition which Jesus came down is not to annul anything which is seen as depravity in God's eye, however he changed the attitude of man toward the punishment of the sin, He empahsized truly that God doesnt want it and tired of people dying of sins, He wants people to repent from it and it can be done if the humans around them didnt gang up and beat them to death
So repeatedly Jesus said:
To forgive sins seventy time seven or dont fucking count at all
It means to give people second chance that they might correct their wrong doing
And not to throw a stone at sinner because everyone is.
I think it is self explanatory that the God's plan to save human means that God gave the second chance or third or more... In there we should do the same even we regarded it as sin
Sunday, January 27, 2019
スパイスは 堪え難いくらいがいいわ SUPAISU waTaegatai kurai ga ii wa Or I would say : semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat
So I have a torturous sweet days in order finalizing my car concept to race at PGD UI 2019
My initial motivation
Actually, the concept of joining an engineering project has enticed me since I first attended this college. I found out about a year later except I am not accepted in my first try.
In my department, there are several conspiracies and issues floating around about this guy and that guy. This refusal of my enrollment is due to the reputation I got and all the talk around me such as how I am not able to work in a team. It is a very serious accusation I got.
Being part of chem-e car UI means ascertain you to get accomplishment during your college.
Our chem-e car is well known as one of the best in South East Asia and even the world. I wish to have a free ride initially to boost up my CV cover. However, it seems life would not take it easy for me.
In my first try, I fail despite I work for several idea to present. While, the guy I gave idea for presentation is immediately getting offer and joined one of the most desirable team, Nayaka pressure.
In Chem-e car UI, there are 3 teams that will usually compete out there: Nayaka pressure, Rhino and Canopus electric. Nayaka is known as the best and has easier variable control as it has only rely to one reaction that will yield pressure to power the car. Most competition aims for accuracy to travel and other additional challenge. Having only one determining factor, Nayaka and other pressure chem-e car in the world has several advantages.
However, in the second enrollment, I am accepted but not in the team I will get a free ride to certain victory. I get admitted to the Canopus. It was not really bad except last year in which I was refused. The team was in whole chaos and the car concept is definitely zero. Usually, Canopus is not that bad, except being harder to control. As electrochemical car, it has two variables such as velocity and time. It has ever won before but it has passed two years since that time.
In this group, I know I will make this car again from zero.
Unexpected light in my life
Many people don't understand the difficulty I get in my life like struggling financially and emotionally to keep my family intact. Canopus is the second brightest star in night sky. But it turned out, it is bright enough to light up my life and get myself back to feet.
I don't like defeat. I am defeated recently in my academic life and also my life.
It was such a mental shot for me until Canopus ambition brings back my life again in line. The excitement to do innovation and actual challenge makes me forget about the gloomy gloomy day.
I am in sorrow and pain but I never take word 'serendipity' seriously until I join this team. The first one I feel about this team is... It's gonna be great. We all are optimistic, hard working, and we think about our car concept all the time.
Joining Canopus trial has made me make new friends and clear some bad issue about myself. I am actually able to defy that accusation on me and has several back ups. I want to bash the guys who're really mean to me but revenge on this subject serve no purpose.
In short, I can have hope again because of the business I got in Canopus and building car, team, and new friends are joyous moment in my life. My 'friend' is too far on scrutinizing my personality and I am always insecure around him. In Canopus, I swallow the pill and take up a chance to improve myself and make new connection with people.
Building car that should be 'electrical' without real advise from advisor is not easy. After we decided to make sure the car run on alumunium air battery, we didn't immediately got result. We change the battery compartment several times and it's electrical arrangement. Only two days before the competition, we just got it finalized design and cock-sure that car will run.
For almost 6 months, among all race and other things, our car stuck and suck.
The week before competition, we actually have envisioned its finalized version and putting it as content in our poster. We accentuate its uniqueness. After all, there is no car out there has this concept.
So momentarily, I also have finalized the kinetic of stopping. The model has been verified as very accurate without one factor that prevent us from winning at d-day. During the trial, we never experimented it with turbulence of car that is originated from the rotating bumper. I know we will have a bumper but before this, the bumper rotation is not very large that even able to make our car vibrates like bajaj. As an excuse, I speculate it as the result the kinetic stop faster than the model I build.
Despite that kind of problem, we're still amongst top finalist in PGD UI 2019. we still have time to improve for the competition at ITS.
From our scoring, we know that we won the car concept. Canopus VI is the best car concept at PGD UI 2019
This car is time and energy consuming. It is built upon impossibility too.
However like a star its name got from, it is also a gleaming light in my career. I can finally try to exercise the engineering sense and core competence to real problem.
I complain a lot to my team leader that the working hour of Canopus team is inhuman labour. I hope next time, we will reevaluate it. I know, in compare to Rhino and Nayaka, which doesn't many changes from last year, our team need to beat harder work to construct Canopus.
Yet, if you can make this more efficiently, why would you do such a torture?
Indeed I rarely win at first try.
I also never get a free ride in many situation I wish. In competition or in life.
I always need to work harder than most people to make up. It is why I believe 'there is nothing free in life, you need to exchange something'. My philosophy might not something everyone agrees with but that's how I have in my life.
I am still grateful that there is still hope and I can improve it.
After all, we're still best car concept right? An innovation is rarely cheap or efficient in the first try. That's how technology usually progress. And at the end, I will repeat that line from Aimer song 'I beg You':
semakin tak tertahankan semakin nikmat
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
I am thinking about the words which are said by yuval in his newest book 21 lesson from 21 century. People often ponder why a good person can be bad.
And people always easily put words such as fascist to many people and say religion is drug without knowing the most fundamental question:
Why fascism or extremism is very seductive in the first place?
This is why christianity depicts devil as morning star/ beautiful formerly angel.
Because being bad is seductive.
So indeed I am asking if many people I know are good but it doesn't mean they can turn bad, while maybe they don't know that they're turning bad. They believe that they're doing good or maybe they convince themselves that they're doing good or doing for something greater.
My friend Y is a fervent muslim and believe that the world is entering end of time.
Thus also many christians are believing the persecution of christians are rampant and we're entering the end of the time. But when the end of the time arrived, will any of them be surprised if they become the devil?
Actually after many persecution of minorities in Indonesia (and yeah minority of muslim all around the world) I can find myself proving that empathy is bias in a very illuminating way. None of each other are trying to understand the other condition or alleviate the misery of minority in their own country(of course except some so called redemption seeking white people with their self punishing mentality). Every side will always try to put themselves in victim condition , when other people are having misery, they don't believe it because wow after all they're the good one, and never been maybe thought of themselves that they're Eve and Adam, and they have fallen. We all have failed to convey love and empathy outside our group.
I have failed so many times, but maybe if I want to follow God I should have listened to his verily words.
He has conveyed boundless love and dont play victim along the way. Even under persecution, God will not shy away. Unfortunately, we are hard to accept this role of antagonist, we always want to put ourselves as the good guy. Even though people I know now are good guy, it doesn't mean they won't commit atrocities because they believe they're good, and that's the most dangerous thing