My Split Persona

Hello people, I seem like an out of reach after hitting 15 years old!

By the way, last year I finished a book from Simone Beauvoir, one of early modern feminist thinker. I found many of her writing is very relatable but in this post let me discuss a clip of her work:

She will often be afraid of missing her destiny as a

woman if she gives herself over entirely to any undertaking. She does

not admit this feeling to herself: but it is there, it distorts all her best

efforts, it sets up limits. In any case, the woman who works wants to

reconcile her success with purely feminine successes; that not only

requires devoting considerable time to her appearance and beauty but

also, what is more serious, implies that her vital interests are divided.

Outside of his regular studies, the male student amuses himself by

freely exercising his mind, and from there emerge his best

discoveries; the woman’s daydreams are oriented in a different

direction: she will think of her physical appearance, of man, of love,

she will give the bare minimum to her studies to her career, whereas

in these areas nothing is as necessary as the superfluous. It is not a

question of mental weakness, of a lack of concentration, but of a split

in her interests that do not coincide well. A vicious circle is knotted

here: people are often surprised to see how easily a woman gives up

music, studies, or a job as soon as she has found a husband; this is

because she had committed too little of herself to her projects to derive

benefit from their accomplishment. Everything converges to hold back

her personal ambition while enormous social pressure encourages her

to find a social position and justification in marriage

Last year, I unlocked an achievement to realize my passion in environmental activity. I joined an event that focused of preserving rainforest and working for sustainable palm oil production.

However, at that time I realized that I got 20's girl syndrome.
It is a clip from my own diary:

It has gotten into me! 20's syndrome that is seeking for identity and for girl, getting skincare routine!!!

Now i am obsessed like miranda kerr and her 7 product routine everyfucking night like what the hell?

Okay i am so freaked out with everyone routine and how to maintain skin beauty, and i was like left by the bus

The discussion of feminism is actually very big issue at working woman in Indonesia. In fact, there are many women who have no hesitation to postpone their marriage to advance their career.
As you know, aside from my interest in environment and fashion, I am also an engineering student. My senior shared her experience in working a difficult condition at certain chemical industry plan. One of the problem is her sex. She is a woman and many people on the site commented about how rare to find women there and somehow joked about it. She also commented about the ethic at that plan which required her to overwork and collapse all the way.

Aside from social expectation that she encountered, it is not a rare phenomenon that there is a battle inside, which is described perfectly by Simone.

It is something that I compelled to write. I feel that way.

When I went to Malaysia, most girls are wearing make up and even shy away from a photoshoot when they are not wearing it.
Even though how much career and social activity I want to attend, my mind cannot reconcile to the fact that I should still be looking good while doing it. In fact one of friend, a talented student of my batch, described her engineering aspiration of female engineer as 'Doing difficult stuff while looking beautiful in it'.

It is a sad journey that somehow my intellectual capacity is not really putting effort to develop real impact on technology, but I cannot help that my mind is wandering in the simple things girl are thinking. I never feel it is wrong to begin with and I like being a woman. Yet, I wonder if this mind that geared on other priority during her college is because the very much reason Simone said in her book.

I work like this : if I don't have time, or the labour I will do is outdoor, I will not put make up on. However if there is sufficient time and I will not sweat, I put make up.

The problem about 'woman mind and priority' is still a struggle in Indonesia. Here the newer 'kedok' or scheme that woman use excessively to justify their education:
Woman education,for who?

Woman will answer that they will converge their feminine role and their education eventually. Woman should study because they will be the first teacher for their children and will be able to support their husband better, the writer gave a great punchback : woman education is like a computer that need update! How ironic!

I study for myself as selfish as I am like any other man on planet!

However I am very optimistic. In Indonesia, the democracy is giving a good shot for woman to actually have opinion about their education anad even take risk to ignore the definitive feminity which is holding back their career and skill.
This year I will try to advance my own activity to once again 'attempt' to apply for an international discussion. I got a good opportunity to work with a good team and developing a power storage prototype. Somehow these many chances that I got triggered me to do a whole blown promotion of my university, lol. I am very honored to be part of it.

Even though up to now, I still don't have decision about what to do with the feminine role I am expected to assume, I don't want to vilify it. In fact, I really want to be a good parent one day.
However for now, as I don't have partner , s I am lucky to get many chance to develop my skill and be engineer not female engineer.

Because I know I am capable because of my intellect not my sex.